Background

Dad and I have always thought about adopting. I grew up reading books like Edgar Allen and books about adoptive familes (usually the really large familes!). Dad had always thought about adoption but back then a single man adopting was preposterous. After getting married we didn't really discuss it because we both thought adoption was too expensive to consider.

We raised our family and raised a grandson to age 6 (so his mom could get through high school and college). When it looked like we were going to have an "empty nest", we knew we were ready to get serious about adopting. After a lot of research, we decided our best bet would be international adoption. We looked at a lot of online available children and our Chinese son "reached out" to us. T was 4 years old when we first saw his photo. It took us a little over a year to bring him home but it was all worth it. We were a bit worried at first since T had lived in an orphanage since he was about 1 day old - but T bonded with us very quickly and has been a real joy ever since. We wanted to go back to China but they changed their rules and Dad became "too old" to adopt again.

We were so happy and, after about a year, we started looking for another little boy to share our joy with. We saw W's photo about a month after he was given up for adoption. We were told he was extremely malnourished - to the point he had to be given blood transfusions for his anemia. W's hair was very dry looking and a light brown, his teeth were stained, and he had a protruding stomach - all signs of malnutrition. W was 5 years old when we accepted referral. After 16 months, we traveled to Guatemala to pick up our new son. We were aware before we ever left Guatemala that W had some issues, but we were hoping it was just adjustment. However it soon became obvious that he had attachment issues. W is very passive aggressive. He would agree to our rules but, as soon as we turned our backs, he would do whatever he wanted. He teased T constantly to the point that T sometimes went into a full blown tantrum. Most of W's trouble was with Dad - he would mind everyone else fairly well but he was openly defiant and disobedient to Dad if they were alone together. Dad is the full time caregiver in our family since he is retired, while I work outside the home.

After a year we knew we had to get help or disrupt the adoption. We started seeing a therapist that specializes in attachment issues. While W has improved some, it will be a long and slow road for him. He also cycles - has days or weeks where he is pretty well behaved and then days or weeks where he is constantly testing and provoking. W has been seeing the therapist for over a year now. He is better in some areas but is getting worse in other areas. We are now starting a new therapy called EMDR (along with the regular therapy). We will be having our first real session in about a week.

Over the past 2 years, W has beat on our hardwood floor with a hammer, tried to break the windows with rocks, locked Dad out of the pickup in town, locked Dad and M out of the house, threatened to run away numerous times, beat T up, threw a large ottoman at Dad, twisted a boy's arm behind his back until he cried on the school bus, picked a fight with a girl and her older brother on the bus, locked himself in the bathroom, kicked P when he tried to get him to mind, and much more - mostly when he doesn't get his way with something. His biggest problem seems to come with watching TV. He watches TV constantly and will throw a fit if anyone tries to change the channel. He has broken the video game by throwing the controller on the floor hard enough to shatter it, when he was told his time was up. He also steals (especially candy) and is a very accomplished liar.

We do worry what will happen when W becomes a teen if he doesn't improve his behavior. We also worry a lot about his influence on T. We have noticed T starting to "mimic" some of W's behaviors - especially the sneaking around to get things we have told them they can't have. We are really hoping this new therapy will help us all.

Introduction

Hello! I am hoping to share our journey through parenting with anyone who wants to join us. We are using initials for our names to keep a little privacy for our family. I will refer to myself as Mom and my husband as Dad. This first post will be an introduction to our little family.

I was born in 1955 and Dad was born in 1939. Dad and I have been married since 1973 and have 4 biological children. We currently have 2 adopted sons. We have been a licensed foster/foster to adopt family since May 2009 (but have had no placements yet). Our oldest daughter is S, who is married to P, and has a son, N, born in 2005. Our son is E. Our next daughter is J, married to K, and has a son, Z, born in 2000. Our youngest daughter is M. Our next son is T, born in China in 2000, and adopted in 2006. Our youngest son is W, born in Guatemala in 2001, and adopted in 2008. We are hoping to adopt 1 or 2 more children, perhaps through the foster system.

T has a cleft lip/cleft palate and a learning disability. His cleft lip is repaired but he needs at least 1 more surgery on his palate. T has a language processing disability. He is in 2nd grade and is having trouble with reading (reading at a first grade 6th month level). He is doing fairly well with math. He is also in speech therapy.

W has some attachment issues. He had a heart murmur and enlarged heart due to severe malnutrition/anemia when he was given for adoption, but with proper nutrition that has cleared up. W is in 1st grade and does very well in school. Although his paperwork says he was born in 2001, we believe he is actually about 2 years older than that. From things W has said, we believe he was "switched" with his younger brother so he would be "more adoptable". We have W in therapy for his issues and just started EMDR therapy with him.

Due to Dad's advanced age we are finding it hard to adopt again since we want to stay in birth order - therefore wanting to adopt age 6 years and younger. Most international countries find Dad to be too old (and we really can't afford international adoption again anyway!). Of course, private domestic adoption will be just as difficult. When we interviewed with our current foster agency, they assured us that we would be able to adopt through them. They also said they would be willing to send our home study to other states' foster agencies - however we find they seem to be stalling on that one. We do live in an area where there are not too many foster children available. We are about 100 miles from a metro area. Most of the calls we have received so far offering placements have been for teens. The few that are for young children are wanting foster parents in the metro areas and we are too far away.

I hope for this blog to tell about our journey as older adoptive parents and foster parents and dealing with the special needs of our children, as well as our life in general. I hope it is interesting and maybe even helpful to someone.