Background

Dad and I have always thought about adopting. I grew up reading books like Edgar Allen and books about adoptive familes (usually the really large familes!). Dad had always thought about adoption but back then a single man adopting was preposterous. After getting married we didn't really discuss it because we both thought adoption was too expensive to consider.

We raised our family and raised a grandson to age 6 (so his mom could get through high school and college). When it looked like we were going to have an "empty nest", we knew we were ready to get serious about adopting. After a lot of research, we decided our best bet would be international adoption. We looked at a lot of online available children and our Chinese son "reached out" to us. T was 4 years old when we first saw his photo. It took us a little over a year to bring him home but it was all worth it. We were a bit worried at first since T had lived in an orphanage since he was about 1 day old - but T bonded with us very quickly and has been a real joy ever since. We wanted to go back to China but they changed their rules and Dad became "too old" to adopt again.

We were so happy and, after about a year, we started looking for another little boy to share our joy with. We saw W's photo about a month after he was given up for adoption. We were told he was extremely malnourished - to the point he had to be given blood transfusions for his anemia. W's hair was very dry looking and a light brown, his teeth were stained, and he had a protruding stomach - all signs of malnutrition. W was 5 years old when we accepted referral. After 16 months, we traveled to Guatemala to pick up our new son. We were aware before we ever left Guatemala that W had some issues, but we were hoping it was just adjustment. However it soon became obvious that he had attachment issues. W is very passive aggressive. He would agree to our rules but, as soon as we turned our backs, he would do whatever he wanted. He teased T constantly to the point that T sometimes went into a full blown tantrum. Most of W's trouble was with Dad - he would mind everyone else fairly well but he was openly defiant and disobedient to Dad if they were alone together. Dad is the full time caregiver in our family since he is retired, while I work outside the home.

After a year we knew we had to get help or disrupt the adoption. We started seeing a therapist that specializes in attachment issues. While W has improved some, it will be a long and slow road for him. He also cycles - has days or weeks where he is pretty well behaved and then days or weeks where he is constantly testing and provoking. W has been seeing the therapist for over a year now. He is better in some areas but is getting worse in other areas. We are now starting a new therapy called EMDR (along with the regular therapy). We will be having our first real session in about a week.

Over the past 2 years, W has beat on our hardwood floor with a hammer, tried to break the windows with rocks, locked Dad out of the pickup in town, locked Dad and M out of the house, threatened to run away numerous times, beat T up, threw a large ottoman at Dad, twisted a boy's arm behind his back until he cried on the school bus, picked a fight with a girl and her older brother on the bus, locked himself in the bathroom, kicked P when he tried to get him to mind, and much more - mostly when he doesn't get his way with something. His biggest problem seems to come with watching TV. He watches TV constantly and will throw a fit if anyone tries to change the channel. He has broken the video game by throwing the controller on the floor hard enough to shatter it, when he was told his time was up. He also steals (especially candy) and is a very accomplished liar.

We do worry what will happen when W becomes a teen if he doesn't improve his behavior. We also worry a lot about his influence on T. We have noticed T starting to "mimic" some of W's behaviors - especially the sneaking around to get things we have told them they can't have. We are really hoping this new therapy will help us all.