I really mean to keep this blog up better but things are really busy. We still haven't had a placement or adoption and we're getting really discouraged. We've sent our homestudy in on many, many sibling groups but never get picked. We've only been seriously considered once. Our homestudy expires in a little over a year and, unless we have a placement, we're not renewing. But I do want another little one so badly!
M has gotten married to L and has a beautiful little girl, MM, born about a month ago! J and her family moved about 600 miles away to be closer to K's family. We really miss them!! T and W are growing like weeds!! We finally gave up on W's therapy. It was a 100 mile trip one way and it just didn't seem to be doing any good. He is no better - the major behavior like beating dents in the hardwood floors is gone. But his oppositional behavior is much worse. He is stealing food more and being defiant to Dad. It's the little stuff but so much more frequently. He can really drive us crazy sometimes!!
I've been reading Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. It's pretty good and makes sense. I wonder if it will work on W? I want to try it but it's soooo hard to change our behavior patterns. I have good intentions and then he pushes my buttons and the good intentions go out the window!! But I have to keep trying. Dad and I have started fighting. I set limits and consequences and he undermines me while I'm at work, then tells the boys not to tell me. He just doesn't want to fight with W anymore - it's easier to just let him have his way. I understand how he feels but I just can't give up.
We have considered disrupting the adoption, thinking W would do better being the only child in a family. But we cannot find anyone willing to take him on. We won't turn him over to social services because we have heard they will charge us with abandoning him and take T as well. I won't even think of doing that!!
Well guess that's all for now. I'll try not to be so long between posts next time!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'm Back! :-)
It's been awhile but I'm back. A lot has happened and yet nothing has happened! :-(
It turned out that our agency did send in our homestudy on the 3 boys - but the homestudy that was only approved to adopt 2 children - thus we weren't qualified!! I was sooo angry!
Since that time we also sent in our homestudy on a sibling set of 2 children. T is 3 years old and has arthrogyposis. A is 2 years old and has myofibromatosis. Our doctor says both of them would be too much for us to handle - that both would be too much for anyone to handle! But the agency wants to keep them together. The foster parents of the girl want to adopt but don't really want both. We did send our homestudy and ask to be considered. But the foster parents of the girl changed their mind and decided to take the little boy as well.
However we have been contacted by our state about a sibling group of 4 that MAY be available for adoption. It would be a foster placement at this time and see where it goes from there. This time they must be a little bit serious as they have scheduled us to meet them about mid-month!! Of course, being a foster placement, I can't say much at all about them. I can say there are 3 girls and 1 boy - ages 2 years, 3 yr. old twins, and 5 years. Sounds about perfect but I'm trying not to get my hopes up until we actually have them here!! We are in the process of renewing our license and, at the same time, upping our approval to 4 kids. Seems to be going very well so far.
W is doing better in his therapy. I do think the EMDR helped quite a bit. We are doing EMDR and regular therapy during April through October and just regular therapy during the cold months - since it's quite a long drive to the EMDR therapy. We still have a long way to go, but he is noticably progressing. :-)
Most people we talk to are being very supportive and sweet. They all say they wouldn't want to take in so many kids, but are happy for us. There are a few who express concern over Dad's age and we are happy to discuss it with them - that we have considered this carefully and taken all steps we can to prepare for any future. But we do feel this is the road the Lord is leading us to. However, there are a few who won't say anything to our face - but bash us behind our back. I do really hate that type of people!! They don't seem to be really concerned - just want to tear down other people. They do this with all people - seeming to think it makes them better to tear others down. I know I should just ignore this type of behavior as it tells more about them than me - but it does get under my skin!!
So please wish us luck and "stay tuned" to see how this all works out! :-)
It turned out that our agency did send in our homestudy on the 3 boys - but the homestudy that was only approved to adopt 2 children - thus we weren't qualified!! I was sooo angry!
Since that time we also sent in our homestudy on a sibling set of 2 children. T is 3 years old and has arthrogyposis. A is 2 years old and has myofibromatosis. Our doctor says both of them would be too much for us to handle - that both would be too much for anyone to handle! But the agency wants to keep them together. The foster parents of the girl want to adopt but don't really want both. We did send our homestudy and ask to be considered. But the foster parents of the girl changed their mind and decided to take the little boy as well.
However we have been contacted by our state about a sibling group of 4 that MAY be available for adoption. It would be a foster placement at this time and see where it goes from there. This time they must be a little bit serious as they have scheduled us to meet them about mid-month!! Of course, being a foster placement, I can't say much at all about them. I can say there are 3 girls and 1 boy - ages 2 years, 3 yr. old twins, and 5 years. Sounds about perfect but I'm trying not to get my hopes up until we actually have them here!! We are in the process of renewing our license and, at the same time, upping our approval to 4 kids. Seems to be going very well so far.
W is doing better in his therapy. I do think the EMDR helped quite a bit. We are doing EMDR and regular therapy during April through October and just regular therapy during the cold months - since it's quite a long drive to the EMDR therapy. We still have a long way to go, but he is noticably progressing. :-)
Most people we talk to are being very supportive and sweet. They all say they wouldn't want to take in so many kids, but are happy for us. There are a few who express concern over Dad's age and we are happy to discuss it with them - that we have considered this carefully and taken all steps we can to prepare for any future. But we do feel this is the road the Lord is leading us to. However, there are a few who won't say anything to our face - but bash us behind our back. I do really hate that type of people!! They don't seem to be really concerned - just want to tear down other people. They do this with all people - seeming to think it makes them better to tear others down. I know I should just ignore this type of behavior as it tells more about them than me - but it does get under my skin!!
So please wish us luck and "stay tuned" to see how this all works out! :-)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Waiting
It's been over a month since we sent our homestudy in for the sibling set and still haven't heard a word! It is sooo hard waiting. I have sent several emails updating them on info on us and our social worker's new phone number. (We were told it's best to keep your name in front of them so they don't "forget" that you are interested - but I really do hate to "nag".)
We did see a new video of the boys that was put up on the website. It's a video that was run on the TV news in their state. That probably means that tons of people have put their names "into the pot" for them. They didn't mention the boys special needs in the video - just that JJ had some physical limitations.
On the video it seems that K may have some facial features of FAS but I'm not real experienced with that. FAS does scare me a bit as we are on a yahoo list with parents of FAS and RAD kids and some of the kids have such severe problems. I just have to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. If we are meant to have the boys and can handle them, we will get them. I just wish we would hear something - one way or the other!!
The twins turned 3 the last week of May. I am hoping, if we do get them, that we will have them home before L turns 1 in August. I think that may be pushing it for ICPC though, especially as slow as things seem to be going!
I have been thinking that if we don't get this sibling group, we will give up on adoption - and maybe on foster care as well. I was thinking of adopting from Bulgaria since they allow older folks to adopt. But it would be over $25K-$30K and 2 trips to Bulgaria. We just helped our adult son out with his business, so our finances are just not there for that kind of adoption. And the kids we saw available all had moderate to severe special needs. There were a couple that I felt we could handle and they were so cute. One boy especially, Andy, really tugs at my heart - but the finances just aren't there.
So we continue to wait.......
We did see a new video of the boys that was put up on the website. It's a video that was run on the TV news in their state. That probably means that tons of people have put their names "into the pot" for them. They didn't mention the boys special needs in the video - just that JJ had some physical limitations.
On the video it seems that K may have some facial features of FAS but I'm not real experienced with that. FAS does scare me a bit as we are on a yahoo list with parents of FAS and RAD kids and some of the kids have such severe problems. I just have to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. If we are meant to have the boys and can handle them, we will get them. I just wish we would hear something - one way or the other!!
The twins turned 3 the last week of May. I am hoping, if we do get them, that we will have them home before L turns 1 in August. I think that may be pushing it for ICPC though, especially as slow as things seem to be going!
I have been thinking that if we don't get this sibling group, we will give up on adoption - and maybe on foster care as well. I was thinking of adopting from Bulgaria since they allow older folks to adopt. But it would be over $25K-$30K and 2 trips to Bulgaria. We just helped our adult son out with his business, so our finances are just not there for that kind of adoption. And the kids we saw available all had moderate to severe special needs. There were a couple that I felt we could handle and they were so cute. One boy especially, Andy, really tugs at my heart - but the finances just aren't there.
So we continue to wait.......
Friday, April 23, 2010
More kids?
Well, we were finally able to send our home study to another state for a sibling group. We are praying that these little boys will be meant for us. We know it will be a lot of work but will be so worth it!
Of course the little boys we are looking at have some special needs but we don't mind that. The older boys are twins, about 3 years old. K and JJ both have cerebral palsy but JJ is more affected than K. They were born premature. L is the baby, just under a year old, and is meeting all his developmental milestones. K needs a brace on one leg to walk and run. He is also in speech therapy. JJ isn't walking yet, is in speech, and is thought to be slightly mentally handicapped. Of course we haven't seen their medical records or anything like that yet. We would have to actually be picked as potential parents first.
We had been looking at a similar sibling set in another state a few months ago. That's when we tried to get our home study sent out and couldn't do so. These boys also consisted of a set of twins, age 4 yrs., with one of them having cerebral palsy. They had an older brother, age 5 yrs., that had no special needs. The boy with cerebral palsy in this group could crawl but not walk or stand and was developmentally delayed. You could also tell from the photo that he drooled quite a lot. I have heard that could mean a lot of speech and possibly feeding problems.
We have been researching the help and therapy we would have available in our town, since it's quite small. We have been pleasantly surprised that there is quite a bit of help available here. Of course it would probably be necessary to travel to the larger metro areas a few times a year for more intensive testing or therapy sessions, but that would be no problem as we already do that with our current sons.
Our home study approves us for 2 children - but our case worker said that our free bedroom is plenty large enough for 3 children. We are hoping in the near future to put a new basement under our house. There would be a large play/rec room and 2 bedrooms there - freeing up another bedroom upstairs.
It is so hard to wait for news! It's only been a day or so since we were told our home study would be sent and already I'm on pins and needles waiting for news!! LOL I know it's very likely we won't be chosen, but I also know that the Lord will give us our children when it is the right time and the right children. We just have to have patience until then.
Of course the little boys we are looking at have some special needs but we don't mind that. The older boys are twins, about 3 years old. K and JJ both have cerebral palsy but JJ is more affected than K. They were born premature. L is the baby, just under a year old, and is meeting all his developmental milestones. K needs a brace on one leg to walk and run. He is also in speech therapy. JJ isn't walking yet, is in speech, and is thought to be slightly mentally handicapped. Of course we haven't seen their medical records or anything like that yet. We would have to actually be picked as potential parents first.
We had been looking at a similar sibling set in another state a few months ago. That's when we tried to get our home study sent out and couldn't do so. These boys also consisted of a set of twins, age 4 yrs., with one of them having cerebral palsy. They had an older brother, age 5 yrs., that had no special needs. The boy with cerebral palsy in this group could crawl but not walk or stand and was developmentally delayed. You could also tell from the photo that he drooled quite a lot. I have heard that could mean a lot of speech and possibly feeding problems.
We have been researching the help and therapy we would have available in our town, since it's quite small. We have been pleasantly surprised that there is quite a bit of help available here. Of course it would probably be necessary to travel to the larger metro areas a few times a year for more intensive testing or therapy sessions, but that would be no problem as we already do that with our current sons.
Our home study approves us for 2 children - but our case worker said that our free bedroom is plenty large enough for 3 children. We are hoping in the near future to put a new basement under our house. There would be a large play/rec room and 2 bedrooms there - freeing up another bedroom upstairs.
It is so hard to wait for news! It's only been a day or so since we were told our home study would be sent and already I'm on pins and needles waiting for news!! LOL I know it's very likely we won't be chosen, but I also know that the Lord will give us our children when it is the right time and the right children. We just have to have patience until then.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Background
Dad and I have always thought about adopting. I grew up reading books like Edgar Allen and books about adoptive familes (usually the really large familes!). Dad had always thought about adoption but back then a single man adopting was preposterous. After getting married we didn't really discuss it because we both thought adoption was too expensive to consider.
We raised our family and raised a grandson to age 6 (so his mom could get through high school and college). When it looked like we were going to have an "empty nest", we knew we were ready to get serious about adopting. After a lot of research, we decided our best bet would be international adoption. We looked at a lot of online available children and our Chinese son "reached out" to us. T was 4 years old when we first saw his photo. It took us a little over a year to bring him home but it was all worth it. We were a bit worried at first since T had lived in an orphanage since he was about 1 day old - but T bonded with us very quickly and has been a real joy ever since. We wanted to go back to China but they changed their rules and Dad became "too old" to adopt again.
We were so happy and, after about a year, we started looking for another little boy to share our joy with. We saw W's photo about a month after he was given up for adoption. We were told he was extremely malnourished - to the point he had to be given blood transfusions for his anemia. W's hair was very dry looking and a light brown, his teeth were stained, and he had a protruding stomach - all signs of malnutrition. W was 5 years old when we accepted referral. After 16 months, we traveled to Guatemala to pick up our new son. We were aware before we ever left Guatemala that W had some issues, but we were hoping it was just adjustment. However it soon became obvious that he had attachment issues. W is very passive aggressive. He would agree to our rules but, as soon as we turned our backs, he would do whatever he wanted. He teased T constantly to the point that T sometimes went into a full blown tantrum. Most of W's trouble was with Dad - he would mind everyone else fairly well but he was openly defiant and disobedient to Dad if they were alone together. Dad is the full time caregiver in our family since he is retired, while I work outside the home.
After a year we knew we had to get help or disrupt the adoption. We started seeing a therapist that specializes in attachment issues. While W has improved some, it will be a long and slow road for him. He also cycles - has days or weeks where he is pretty well behaved and then days or weeks where he is constantly testing and provoking. W has been seeing the therapist for over a year now. He is better in some areas but is getting worse in other areas. We are now starting a new therapy called EMDR (along with the regular therapy). We will be having our first real session in about a week.
Over the past 2 years, W has beat on our hardwood floor with a hammer, tried to break the windows with rocks, locked Dad out of the pickup in town, locked Dad and M out of the house, threatened to run away numerous times, beat T up, threw a large ottoman at Dad, twisted a boy's arm behind his back until he cried on the school bus, picked a fight with a girl and her older brother on the bus, locked himself in the bathroom, kicked P when he tried to get him to mind, and much more - mostly when he doesn't get his way with something. His biggest problem seems to come with watching TV. He watches TV constantly and will throw a fit if anyone tries to change the channel. He has broken the video game by throwing the controller on the floor hard enough to shatter it, when he was told his time was up. He also steals (especially candy) and is a very accomplished liar.
We do worry what will happen when W becomes a teen if he doesn't improve his behavior. We also worry a lot about his influence on T. We have noticed T starting to "mimic" some of W's behaviors - especially the sneaking around to get things we have told them they can't have. We are really hoping this new therapy will help us all.
We raised our family and raised a grandson to age 6 (so his mom could get through high school and college). When it looked like we were going to have an "empty nest", we knew we were ready to get serious about adopting. After a lot of research, we decided our best bet would be international adoption. We looked at a lot of online available children and our Chinese son "reached out" to us. T was 4 years old when we first saw his photo. It took us a little over a year to bring him home but it was all worth it. We were a bit worried at first since T had lived in an orphanage since he was about 1 day old - but T bonded with us very quickly and has been a real joy ever since. We wanted to go back to China but they changed their rules and Dad became "too old" to adopt again.
We were so happy and, after about a year, we started looking for another little boy to share our joy with. We saw W's photo about a month after he was given up for adoption. We were told he was extremely malnourished - to the point he had to be given blood transfusions for his anemia. W's hair was very dry looking and a light brown, his teeth were stained, and he had a protruding stomach - all signs of malnutrition. W was 5 years old when we accepted referral. After 16 months, we traveled to Guatemala to pick up our new son. We were aware before we ever left Guatemala that W had some issues, but we were hoping it was just adjustment. However it soon became obvious that he had attachment issues. W is very passive aggressive. He would agree to our rules but, as soon as we turned our backs, he would do whatever he wanted. He teased T constantly to the point that T sometimes went into a full blown tantrum. Most of W's trouble was with Dad - he would mind everyone else fairly well but he was openly defiant and disobedient to Dad if they were alone together. Dad is the full time caregiver in our family since he is retired, while I work outside the home.
After a year we knew we had to get help or disrupt the adoption. We started seeing a therapist that specializes in attachment issues. While W has improved some, it will be a long and slow road for him. He also cycles - has days or weeks where he is pretty well behaved and then days or weeks where he is constantly testing and provoking. W has been seeing the therapist for over a year now. He is better in some areas but is getting worse in other areas. We are now starting a new therapy called EMDR (along with the regular therapy). We will be having our first real session in about a week.
Over the past 2 years, W has beat on our hardwood floor with a hammer, tried to break the windows with rocks, locked Dad out of the pickup in town, locked Dad and M out of the house, threatened to run away numerous times, beat T up, threw a large ottoman at Dad, twisted a boy's arm behind his back until he cried on the school bus, picked a fight with a girl and her older brother on the bus, locked himself in the bathroom, kicked P when he tried to get him to mind, and much more - mostly when he doesn't get his way with something. His biggest problem seems to come with watching TV. He watches TV constantly and will throw a fit if anyone tries to change the channel. He has broken the video game by throwing the controller on the floor hard enough to shatter it, when he was told his time was up. He also steals (especially candy) and is a very accomplished liar.
We do worry what will happen when W becomes a teen if he doesn't improve his behavior. We also worry a lot about his influence on T. We have noticed T starting to "mimic" some of W's behaviors - especially the sneaking around to get things we have told them they can't have. We are really hoping this new therapy will help us all.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Introduction
Hello! I am hoping to share our journey through parenting with anyone who wants to join us. We are using initials for our names to keep a little privacy for our family. I will refer to myself as Mom and my husband as Dad. This first post will be an introduction to our little family.
I was born in 1955 and Dad was born in 1939. Dad and I have been married since 1973 and have 4 biological children. We currently have 2 adopted sons. We have been a licensed foster/foster to adopt family since May 2009 (but have had no placements yet). Our oldest daughter is S, who is married to P, and has a son, N, born in 2005. Our son is E. Our next daughter is J, married to K, and has a son, Z, born in 2000. Our youngest daughter is M. Our next son is T, born in China in 2000, and adopted in 2006. Our youngest son is W, born in Guatemala in 2001, and adopted in 2008. We are hoping to adopt 1 or 2 more children, perhaps through the foster system.
T has a cleft lip/cleft palate and a learning disability. His cleft lip is repaired but he needs at least 1 more surgery on his palate. T has a language processing disability. He is in 2nd grade and is having trouble with reading (reading at a first grade 6th month level). He is doing fairly well with math. He is also in speech therapy.
W has some attachment issues. He had a heart murmur and enlarged heart due to severe malnutrition/anemia when he was given for adoption, but with proper nutrition that has cleared up. W is in 1st grade and does very well in school. Although his paperwork says he was born in 2001, we believe he is actually about 2 years older than that. From things W has said, we believe he was "switched" with his younger brother so he would be "more adoptable". We have W in therapy for his issues and just started EMDR therapy with him.
Due to Dad's advanced age we are finding it hard to adopt again since we want to stay in birth order - therefore wanting to adopt age 6 years and younger. Most international countries find Dad to be too old (and we really can't afford international adoption again anyway!). Of course, private domestic adoption will be just as difficult. When we interviewed with our current foster agency, they assured us that we would be able to adopt through them. They also said they would be willing to send our home study to other states' foster agencies - however we find they seem to be stalling on that one. We do live in an area where there are not too many foster children available. We are about 100 miles from a metro area. Most of the calls we have received so far offering placements have been for teens. The few that are for young children are wanting foster parents in the metro areas and we are too far away.
I hope for this blog to tell about our journey as older adoptive parents and foster parents and dealing with the special needs of our children, as well as our life in general. I hope it is interesting and maybe even helpful to someone.
I was born in 1955 and Dad was born in 1939. Dad and I have been married since 1973 and have 4 biological children. We currently have 2 adopted sons. We have been a licensed foster/foster to adopt family since May 2009 (but have had no placements yet). Our oldest daughter is S, who is married to P, and has a son, N, born in 2005. Our son is E. Our next daughter is J, married to K, and has a son, Z, born in 2000. Our youngest daughter is M. Our next son is T, born in China in 2000, and adopted in 2006. Our youngest son is W, born in Guatemala in 2001, and adopted in 2008. We are hoping to adopt 1 or 2 more children, perhaps through the foster system.
T has a cleft lip/cleft palate and a learning disability. His cleft lip is repaired but he needs at least 1 more surgery on his palate. T has a language processing disability. He is in 2nd grade and is having trouble with reading (reading at a first grade 6th month level). He is doing fairly well with math. He is also in speech therapy.
W has some attachment issues. He had a heart murmur and enlarged heart due to severe malnutrition/anemia when he was given for adoption, but with proper nutrition that has cleared up. W is in 1st grade and does very well in school. Although his paperwork says he was born in 2001, we believe he is actually about 2 years older than that. From things W has said, we believe he was "switched" with his younger brother so he would be "more adoptable". We have W in therapy for his issues and just started EMDR therapy with him.
Due to Dad's advanced age we are finding it hard to adopt again since we want to stay in birth order - therefore wanting to adopt age 6 years and younger. Most international countries find Dad to be too old (and we really can't afford international adoption again anyway!). Of course, private domestic adoption will be just as difficult. When we interviewed with our current foster agency, they assured us that we would be able to adopt through them. They also said they would be willing to send our home study to other states' foster agencies - however we find they seem to be stalling on that one. We do live in an area where there are not too many foster children available. We are about 100 miles from a metro area. Most of the calls we have received so far offering placements have been for teens. The few that are for young children are wanting foster parents in the metro areas and we are too far away.
I hope for this blog to tell about our journey as older adoptive parents and foster parents and dealing with the special needs of our children, as well as our life in general. I hope it is interesting and maybe even helpful to someone.
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